mixed feelings

they say you are your own worst critic.  for me, that's definitely true.  i am really hard on myself, but there are things in my life that need to change.  my main focus right now is my weight.  i have always been a bigger person, and that doesn't usually bother me, but after having my daughter, things have gotten way out of hand.  i weigh the same 17 months after she was born as i did when i was full-term pregnant.  like i said, out of hand!  but it seems no matter how disgusted i am with myself i still can't find the motivation to change.  i do well for a few days, but then i lose momentum, and go back to my old ways of midnight snacking and too large portions. 

i caught a glimpse of myself stepping into the shower tonight (i usually try to avoid mirrors when naked) and i realized that i am miserable.  downright miserable.  the depression i feel in regards to my weight have now seeped into the other parts of my life, and i really am not ok with that.  my husband tells me all the time that i'm a grouch, and it's true, i am.  granted, it really doesn't help to hear, but it's true nonetheless.  how do you not be grouchy when you are constantly disgusted with yourself?

i never gave my job credit for keeping me a reasonable size, but apparently it did.  i used to stand at least 40 hours a week, now i barely move.  i play alot with my daughter, but that really requires very little energy.  i like the way exercising makes me feel.  so.....  accomplished!  but somehow even recalling that feeling doesn't get me going in the right direction.  i find excuses to not continue, or claim i'm too busy.  frankly, i am exhausted at the end of the night, but i know full well that i wouldn't be if i would only exercise.  i am a walking contradiction.

the most disappointing part is that i know better!!  i know that eating that package of oreos at midnight is a terrible choice.  i know watching tv because i'm exhausted instead of getting on the elliptical is not going to get me feeling better.  but somehow, i still choose to not use the resources that are available to me.  i have videos.  i have weights.  i have an elliptical.  i have calorie tracking software and a beautiful new computer.  i even just bought a wii fit!  it doesn't seem to matter.

my biggest fear is that i will get pregnant again and i will keep all the weight on from that pregnancy too.  we are actively trying right now for baby #2.  i could be pregnant this very moment, but it's too soon to tell.  i want to do better for my children.  i want to do better for myself.

so, as of today, i am choosing to write a blog.  a blog about me.  my feelings, my weight, anything.  i am choosing to start with the weight.  i just went to see "julie & julia" last night with my mom and sister, and i was a bit inspired.  (hence the blog.)  i want to set some goals for myself, and i want to do it on here.  they are going to be small goals to start, but that's ok. 

GOALS:
1)  no mcdonald's until the end of september
2)  i will "do" 2 miles everyday until the end of september, either elliptical or outside in our subdivision

that's it!  my simple goals.  only 2 to start with, but i think they will be a good start, a start i'm comfortable with.  secretly i find myself hoping that lots of people will follow this blog.  i am also hoping that i am invisible.  that is me:  a mixed bag of crazy.  nonetheless, here i go.