another 2 miles down

well, 2.06 miles to be exact.  my heart rate monitor watch said that i only burned 111 calories today, as opposed to yesterdays 122, even though i was keeping my heart rate much higher today.  needless to say, i recalibrated the damn thing, so hopefully it will reflect my hard work a little better. 

days remaining:  37

it was a strange day today.  i actually looked forward to working out.  i even turned off the tv early to come upstairs and jump on the elliptical for my half an hour.  i spend a good portion of the afternoon not only mapping out a 2 mile loop to walk near my house, but also took the time to map out a 2 mile loop near my mother-in-laws house in st paul so i couldn't have any excuses when we went up for labor day weekend.  who am i today?!  it's amazing what a few workouts can do for you!!  i didn't even feel like i needed to lay down when audrey did, but you can best be believin' that i did anyway.  with that little peanut, even if i don't feel like i need rest at the time, i know i will regret not taking it later.  ryan even wanted to go to mcdonald's for breakfast this morning as a treat, and i told him politely that i wouldn't be having anything.  he's also participating in the "no mcd until the end of sept" goal, but i'm not going to keep track of him.  what he eats is his own business.  all i am going to do is try to set a good example and hope that like attracts like when it comes to eating habits.  (apparently this is true, because he didn't go to mcd this morning for himself either.)

working out is such a personal thing.  you can't nag someone into it if they don't want to.  they might participate once or twice, but in the end they will quit if they aren't motivated within themselves.  as much as i have enjoyed workout partners in the past (i miss my melissa dearly), but they have to be the one who pushes me.  i don't do well in the "motivator" role.  i will go if someone asks me, but if i am supposed to be getting someone off their butt, chances are the both of us will be sitting on the couch splitting a large sausage pizza and a package of double stufs.  so....  knowing this about myself has made me realize that i'm better off alone in this department.  that way there's no one to blame but myself if i quit.  but i won't quit.  not this time.  it's only 37 more days- piece of cake!!  (i'm trying to think positive, damn it!!)

on a different topic, i really want to get pregnant again.  my feelings vascilate throughout the day, but overall, i am ready for another one.  i felt great when i was pregnant.  i think mostly because i wasn't so hard on myself.  i didn't have to be perfect.  i could just enjoy myself, enjoy my food, and put my feet up at night without an ounce of guilt instead of furiously cleaning.  i worry that i won't be able to mange 2 kids all day, but i'd like to give it a try.  i feel guilty at the thought of taking away audrey's time as an only child, but i think a sibling would be a great thing for her too.  the thought of the actual birthing process freaks me out to no end, but once it becomes inevitable, it no longer bothers me.  i'm also hoping that a pregnancy will keep me extra motivated.  i ate terribly when i was carrying audrey, and am still paying for it today.  i got severely dehydrated and spent a night in the hospital.  a week later audrey was born, at 3.5 weeks early.  i still blame myself and the lack of care that i took of myself for her early delivery.  don't get me wrong, she is absolutely perfect and healthy, but i still feel those pangs when i look at her sometimes.  i refuse to do that to another baby.

on yet another topic, i must say, i really like blogging.  i thought it was stupid for the longest time.  i didn't know why on earth i would ever need one, since i rarely have anything of substance to say.  but somehow, it makes things more real to me.  even though i had journaled periodically in the past, those thoughts were still for my eyes alone.  i could make declarations and promises and they went completely unnoticed when broken.  now, even though so far i am still my only audience, the possibility that someone else could see/read/know my thoughts and feelings gives me a sense of relief.  a burden is lifted.  there is also the added bonus of some accountability that i have mentioned previously.  i hope that everyday for the next 37 days i write of my successes, and i hope to become a better person for them.