well, *sigh*, i failed. after we came back from vacation i just quit. and i had been doing so well!!! alas, such is life. since then i have just let all the other good work i had been doing go by the wayside as well- the chores, the healthy eating, all of it! gone. i am so very disappointed in myself. this is the perpetual cycle that i find myself in. i do so well for a time, but then i go off track, WAY off track, and set myself back worse than i was in the first place. i know that i'm really hard on myself, but i've been doing this over and over for so many years, i can't help but be frustrated with my own stupidity.
so tomorrow i am starting fresh. i am determined to do it this time!! i'm not setting any lofty goals, but rather a few small, manageable pounds at a time. i am going to track all of my calories and weigh in each day. i always like to think that i can achieve these goals without these tedious steps, but even though i know better, i don't stick to the goals i set unless i keep track of every little thing. boo hiss. so here we are at the beginning again.
tomorrow morning i will start with a weigh-in for the diet, and a basal temperature taken for my fertility tracking. it's amazing how many great tools i have at my disposal that i don't use on a regular basis. i will keep blogging because i really enjoy it. that's where i'm at right now.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
the happiest moments are simple
my husband wrote this today, and he wanted me to share it. i think it is absolutely beautiful. my dear ryan, i love you so very much.
The Best Day of my Life (so far):
Today was the best day of life. There are quite a few reasons this might have been true. My beautiful wife and daughter are happy and healthy, I just got a new job, I'm building a new 'dream rig' super-geek computer, we just had a great vacation to see our friends and family back in MN, but none of these big things are the reason. Today we went out for a wonderful brunch, took a peaceful nap together, played together at Monkey Joe's (a bouncy-castle amusement park), and Ann and I even won Audrey a plush toy playing skee-ball and some Buck Rogers version of roulette-for-tickets, but none of these little things are the reason either. The reason this is the best day of my life is a single thought I had about twenty minutes ago. We can have a day like today whenever we want. I grew up in a family where days like today, family vacations, and even simple affections were a rare and wonderful thing. I now have a family where these are not only possible, they are almost prosaic. Somehow that doesn't diminish their sweetness even one tiny bit. Just yesterday Audrey said 'bye-bye da-da' for the first time in her life and it almost broke my heart. What I realized twenty minutes ago is that these are not isolated occurrences.. Ann, Audrey and I can have a perfect day anytime we want, whether we're on vacation or just sitting at home watching Sprout. Yesterday was the best day of my life (so far) as well. I think tomorrow will be too.
Ryan
The Best Day of my Life (so far):
Today was the best day of life. There are quite a few reasons this might have been true. My beautiful wife and daughter are happy and healthy, I just got a new job, I'm building a new 'dream rig' super-geek computer, we just had a great vacation to see our friends and family back in MN, but none of these big things are the reason. Today we went out for a wonderful brunch, took a peaceful nap together, played together at Monkey Joe's (a bouncy-castle amusement park), and Ann and I even won Audrey a plush toy playing skee-ball and some Buck Rogers version of roulette-for-tickets, but none of these little things are the reason either. The reason this is the best day of my life is a single thought I had about twenty minutes ago. We can have a day like today whenever we want. I grew up in a family where days like today, family vacations, and even simple affections were a rare and wonderful thing. I now have a family where these are not only possible, they are almost prosaic. Somehow that doesn't diminish their sweetness even one tiny bit. Just yesterday Audrey said 'bye-bye da-da' for the first time in her life and it almost broke my heart. What I realized twenty minutes ago is that these are not isolated occurrences.. Ann, Audrey and I can have a perfect day anytime we want, whether we're on vacation or just sitting at home watching Sprout. Yesterday was the best day of my life (so far) as well. I think tomorrow will be too.
Ryan
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
midnight screams and other tales of woe
vacation didn't involve much exercising, despite my planning. oh well. i decided to cut myself some slack since it was vacation and all. i did end up doing my miles 2 out of the 4 days we were gone, albeit unintentionally. (fear not, stories to follow.) the car ride went really well, although i'm pretty sure that audrey only slept for 30 min of the 7 hour ride. she wasn't even fussy until the last half an hour, but at that point, tempers were pretty short all around. we all settled in nicely at my mother-in-law's house, since she was out of town for the weekend. i ran to the grocery store; we didn't feel like hauling milk and string cheese across the country. when i got back, all was peaceful, though ryan said aud had peeped a bit about 20 min after she settled down, but was quiet after that. waking up again is pretty unusual for her, but i chalked it up to being stuck in a pack n play that was jammed in a spare bedroom instead of her crib at home.
a few hours later when ry and i decided to turn in, i was getting a little nervous about being able to hear audrey if she cried out since i was sleeping next to an air conditioner running at full blast. ryan decided to go in and check on her one last time. he immediately returned with wide eyes reporting that she had pooped. my heart sank. was i supposed to wake up a baby that had finally settled down in a strange place because my husband thought that she might have pooped? i needed to check for myself. i leaned over my angel- she was out cold. i sniffed- she smelled alright. there was a faint odor in the room, but the house in general had a strange scent, so i decided that everything was ok. i wasn't going to wake up a sleeping baby when obviously she was perfectly fine. so, to bed we went, though the churning in the pit of my stomach continued.
as i layed on the cement slab my mother-in-law insisted was a bed, questions kept nagging. would i be able to hear audrey if she needed me? what if she had pooped? was she going to wake up scared in the night? was i even ever going to get to sleep? i did my best to settle in, and started my usual evening prayer. (i still say the children's prayer that hung on a plaque in my room growing up. it now hangs in audrey's room and i say it with her each night too.) WWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! i instantly emitted a sigh of relief. at the very least i knew that hearing her cry wasn't anything to worry about. ryan got up to give aud a kiss and assure her that all was going to be fine. i reminded him to check on the poop situation. he came back a few minutes later, she had calmed down, and the status report was again poop-free. i still couldn't shake the nagging i felt, it wasn't normal for her to cry out so much if she was ok. hmmm.... back to my prayer. "dear lord, if audrey needs me, please let her tell me." no more than 15 minutes later i got my answer.
ryan had all but passed out the minute his head hit the pillow, so when audrey cried out again, he did his best to mumble the declaration that it was my turn. so it was. i got up figuring it would be a quick trip and left my glasses tucked under the bed. the minute i picked audrey up i knew that she needed to be changed. my worst fears had been realized. so there i was in a dark, unfamiliar house with no glasses, a screaming baby, and creaky, hardwood stairs that are begging for someone to plummet to their death. naturally the diapers and wipes were still zipped in a suitcase, too. i screamed for help. thankfully ryan is super dad and came to my rescue immediately, even thoug i'm sure he was out cold. disaster averted. the only problems remaining were trying to remember to buy more butt paste (i had used about 6 pounds trying to prevent a rash after the littles having to wear a dirty diaper for 4 hours) and getting a traumatized baby back to sleep. well, i had yet to do my 2 miles for the day anyway. i walked and rocked that sweet, little girl for almost an hour. i doubt that that was my full 2 miles, but i didn't really care at that point. i finally made it to bed around 2 am. it was a really long night.
i skipped my exercise on saturday, but walked all over hell and back in my wedding shoes on sunday, so i'm counting sunday as a successful exercise day too. my calves were on fire after standing, dancing, and tromping around on 4 inch heels for 7 hours. i took yesterday off as well, i needed a break. the car trip home was less desirable than the trip there. audrey didn't want to be in her carseat anymore, but whenever we tried to stop she didn't want to do anything at the places we were either. she was just at the end of her rope after 4 days away. i think that's pretty reasonable. we were all ready to be home again.
today was a great day of getting back to our usual schedule. like normal, i was ready for naptime long before audrey was. we just relaxed and enjoyed being home again. i was supposed to go to the grocery store, but decided to defrost some of the lasagna that i made last week and deal with the store tomorrow. as i found myself enjoying the quiet evening after audrey had gone to bed (without a peep, mind you), i remembered this blog and my goals. a good portion of me thought, "who cares? no one's reading this anyway. you already skipped 2 days, so you didn't make your goal as it is!" my inner demons came screaming out. i watched the cubs game, procrastinating further. then i looked throught the on-demand movies and found "the secret life of bees." i had read the book a while back, and really wanted to see the movie. so i rented it. but then i paused it. the house was still a mess, and i knew that i wouldn't want to deal with that later, so i decided to pick up first. drat!! my rational side was getting the better of me. i supposed i had better just do my 2 miles and then watch the movie. so here i am, 2 miles complete, movie watched, back on track! it feels so good to be back to the grind.
days remaining: 22
on a non-exercise related note, when i was out at the grocery store earlier friday evening, i decided that i wanted to go look at my condo by myself. at first i had asked ryan to come with me, but the more i thought about it, the more i wanted to be alone. it was my place, no one else's. i wanted to say goodbye in my own way. as i pulled in the parking lot i noticed some of the same cars from when i lived there. not much had changed. i had butterflies in my stomach, and was starting to doubt my coming. maybe i didn't want to do this by myself, maybe i didn't want to see the place at all. i had a case of divine intervention again (well, technically this was first, and audrey crying out was later, but i'm telling it out of order in this blog.) my key didn't work. i tried 3 doors, testing each multiple times. i thought about waiting around for someone to let me in the outside door, but you need a key to get on each floor, so i thought i might be stuck there too. i took it as a sign that i wasn't meant to be there. that time in my life was over, sealed sadly by the forcloseure on the condo that i could no longer get into. perhaps it had been cleared out already. i didn't know, and i guess it really doesn't matter. i had wonderful memories there, both in minneapolis and in my condo. i will always miss my friends. but i am so happy with my life right now! that in itself is such a foreign feeling for me.
so i sign off for the evening with a hint of nostalgia for a time that i once enjoyed, and gladness filling my heart for the life i have now.
a few hours later when ry and i decided to turn in, i was getting a little nervous about being able to hear audrey if she cried out since i was sleeping next to an air conditioner running at full blast. ryan decided to go in and check on her one last time. he immediately returned with wide eyes reporting that she had pooped. my heart sank. was i supposed to wake up a baby that had finally settled down in a strange place because my husband thought that she might have pooped? i needed to check for myself. i leaned over my angel- she was out cold. i sniffed- she smelled alright. there was a faint odor in the room, but the house in general had a strange scent, so i decided that everything was ok. i wasn't going to wake up a sleeping baby when obviously she was perfectly fine. so, to bed we went, though the churning in the pit of my stomach continued.
as i layed on the cement slab my mother-in-law insisted was a bed, questions kept nagging. would i be able to hear audrey if she needed me? what if she had pooped? was she going to wake up scared in the night? was i even ever going to get to sleep? i did my best to settle in, and started my usual evening prayer. (i still say the children's prayer that hung on a plaque in my room growing up. it now hangs in audrey's room and i say it with her each night too.) WWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! i instantly emitted a sigh of relief. at the very least i knew that hearing her cry wasn't anything to worry about. ryan got up to give aud a kiss and assure her that all was going to be fine. i reminded him to check on the poop situation. he came back a few minutes later, she had calmed down, and the status report was again poop-free. i still couldn't shake the nagging i felt, it wasn't normal for her to cry out so much if she was ok. hmmm.... back to my prayer. "dear lord, if audrey needs me, please let her tell me." no more than 15 minutes later i got my answer.
ryan had all but passed out the minute his head hit the pillow, so when audrey cried out again, he did his best to mumble the declaration that it was my turn. so it was. i got up figuring it would be a quick trip and left my glasses tucked under the bed. the minute i picked audrey up i knew that she needed to be changed. my worst fears had been realized. so there i was in a dark, unfamiliar house with no glasses, a screaming baby, and creaky, hardwood stairs that are begging for someone to plummet to their death. naturally the diapers and wipes were still zipped in a suitcase, too. i screamed for help. thankfully ryan is super dad and came to my rescue immediately, even thoug i'm sure he was out cold. disaster averted. the only problems remaining were trying to remember to buy more butt paste (i had used about 6 pounds trying to prevent a rash after the littles having to wear a dirty diaper for 4 hours) and getting a traumatized baby back to sleep. well, i had yet to do my 2 miles for the day anyway. i walked and rocked that sweet, little girl for almost an hour. i doubt that that was my full 2 miles, but i didn't really care at that point. i finally made it to bed around 2 am. it was a really long night.
i skipped my exercise on saturday, but walked all over hell and back in my wedding shoes on sunday, so i'm counting sunday as a successful exercise day too. my calves were on fire after standing, dancing, and tromping around on 4 inch heels for 7 hours. i took yesterday off as well, i needed a break. the car trip home was less desirable than the trip there. audrey didn't want to be in her carseat anymore, but whenever we tried to stop she didn't want to do anything at the places we were either. she was just at the end of her rope after 4 days away. i think that's pretty reasonable. we were all ready to be home again.
today was a great day of getting back to our usual schedule. like normal, i was ready for naptime long before audrey was. we just relaxed and enjoyed being home again. i was supposed to go to the grocery store, but decided to defrost some of the lasagna that i made last week and deal with the store tomorrow. as i found myself enjoying the quiet evening after audrey had gone to bed (without a peep, mind you), i remembered this blog and my goals. a good portion of me thought, "who cares? no one's reading this anyway. you already skipped 2 days, so you didn't make your goal as it is!" my inner demons came screaming out. i watched the cubs game, procrastinating further. then i looked throught the on-demand movies and found "the secret life of bees." i had read the book a while back, and really wanted to see the movie. so i rented it. but then i paused it. the house was still a mess, and i knew that i wouldn't want to deal with that later, so i decided to pick up first. drat!! my rational side was getting the better of me. i supposed i had better just do my 2 miles and then watch the movie. so here i am, 2 miles complete, movie watched, back on track! it feels so good to be back to the grind.
days remaining: 22
on a non-exercise related note, when i was out at the grocery store earlier friday evening, i decided that i wanted to go look at my condo by myself. at first i had asked ryan to come with me, but the more i thought about it, the more i wanted to be alone. it was my place, no one else's. i wanted to say goodbye in my own way. as i pulled in the parking lot i noticed some of the same cars from when i lived there. not much had changed. i had butterflies in my stomach, and was starting to doubt my coming. maybe i didn't want to do this by myself, maybe i didn't want to see the place at all. i had a case of divine intervention again (well, technically this was first, and audrey crying out was later, but i'm telling it out of order in this blog.) my key didn't work. i tried 3 doors, testing each multiple times. i thought about waiting around for someone to let me in the outside door, but you need a key to get on each floor, so i thought i might be stuck there too. i took it as a sign that i wasn't meant to be there. that time in my life was over, sealed sadly by the forcloseure on the condo that i could no longer get into. perhaps it had been cleared out already. i didn't know, and i guess it really doesn't matter. i had wonderful memories there, both in minneapolis and in my condo. i will always miss my friends. but i am so happy with my life right now! that in itself is such a foreign feeling for me.
so i sign off for the evening with a hint of nostalgia for a time that i once enjoyed, and gladness filling my heart for the life i have now.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
i. am. exhausted.
days remaining: 28
i sure am thankful that i had the sense to take a walk this afternoon. or perhaps that's why i am so dang tired tonight! either way, my 2 miles are complete and i have the evening to myself. granted, there are about a million things i should be doing to get ready for this weekend. clean the car, clean the house, pack some things, do the laundry.... the list goes on. i think i'll go to bed instead.
so very sleepy zzzzzzzzz.............
i sure am thankful that i had the sense to take a walk this afternoon. or perhaps that's why i am so dang tired tonight! either way, my 2 miles are complete and i have the evening to myself. granted, there are about a million things i should be doing to get ready for this weekend. clean the car, clean the house, pack some things, do the laundry.... the list goes on. i think i'll go to bed instead.
so very sleepy zzzzzzzzz.............
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
september already?!
this exercise business is getting a little bit easier. (i hate to admit it, but that's sort of the point.)
days remaining: 29
i keep looking ahead to our trip to minnesota in a few days, and it makes me a bit nervous. i am really going to have to stay focused. it is going to be way too easy to conveniently forget that my goals and this blog even exist. i will try my hardest not to. i'm hoping that raising awareness in myself of possible failure will help me to stick to my plan a bit better. i am packing my shoes and my heart rate monitor. i already mapped out my 2 mile path. what more can i do for myself? it will take effort, and i'm afraid that that is the part that i'm usually not too good at.
short and sweet, but still plenty on my mind.
days remaining: 29
i keep looking ahead to our trip to minnesota in a few days, and it makes me a bit nervous. i am really going to have to stay focused. it is going to be way too easy to conveniently forget that my goals and this blog even exist. i will try my hardest not to. i'm hoping that raising awareness in myself of possible failure will help me to stick to my plan a bit better. i am packing my shoes and my heart rate monitor. i already mapped out my 2 mile path. what more can i do for myself? it will take effort, and i'm afraid that that is the part that i'm usually not too good at.
short and sweet, but still plenty on my mind.
another day ----> done!!
days remaining: 30 (only the month of september left, wow!!)
i have gotten several responses from loved ones about my blog. apparently i come off as really sad or depressed. the more i think about it, the more i realize that is indeed the case. i had been feeling really down in the dumps, really stuck where i was, and really helpless to change my position. so i started this blog and i set a few goals to better myself. i believe that this blog is helping me alot- not that i will ever be a scribe for rainbows and sunshine or anything... it gives me a chance to log not only my emotions, but also my accomplishments. i really don't give myself enough credit for the good that i do, and this blog is making me realize that. that said, despite my pessimistic nature (and apparently pessimistic writing style) i am quite content overall. i would really love to better myself, and right now i feel like sharing some of the sadder thoughts within me is really helping me grow. so fear not family and friends!! there is no need to check me into the psych ward just yet.
on a random note, why does it always seem that whenever there is an upcoming event my skin goes insane? i haven't broken out in weeks, and now that i am headed up to msp this weekend i am zits-a-go-go!! grrr.... hopefully with my diligent skin care (bless you proactiv) it will clear enough to look decent with makeup over it for the weekend. if not, i am seeing old friends who won't care one bit- they have certainly seen me in worse condition. (feel free to imagine scenarios here, chances are there's some truth in anything that might come to mind.) anyway, back to the workout at hand.
most people i know that workout on a regular basis much prefer to run/walk outside where the view changes. i am the exact opposite- give me an elliptical or treadmill any day. i love to just be in one spot, left with only my own mind to focus on (none of that scenery crap), jogging until my heart pounds heavy in my chest. i like to feel my body working. i think alot of people enjoy exercise only with some type of diversion, something that takes their mind off of the energy their bodies are using, to let the exercise part fade into the background. maybe it's because i am new to regular exercise, but i really revel in the motions that i go through. i like to hear my breathing get faster and feel my heart begin to really pump. i enjoy the heat radiating from my back and the tops of my legs as they propel me onward. the body is an amazing thing to behold; everything just clicking away, straining to better itself, incredible. i also really enjoy the monotony. it provides more of an escape for me than any nature path ever could.
i completed my 2 miles for today on the elliptical. i decided to jog in reverse for the first 15 minutes. it feels so good to use new muscles and switch things up just a bit. i can't seem to master the use of the arm poles while going backwards, so instead i just did some overhead presses while i trotted my distance away. i had originally wanted to go backwards for my entire workout today, but since that involved using muscles that hadn't moved in the last decade, i had a change of plans. the 15 minutes backward satisfied 1.20 miles, and i challenged myself to run the last 0.80 miles in only 5 minutes. whew!! that was hard, but i did it! i usually just walk and stretch for about 5 minutes after i finish on the elliptical, but this time i had to spend 10 to get my heart rate back down. it felt really good to go full out. my body can do alot more than i give it credit for.
someday i would like to be able to jog my 2 miles outside. i can do it on the ellptical just fine, but that doesn't translate to the same muscles in the real world. the pounding of your feet/knees on the pavement also takes it's toll. way back in high school i had gotten in pretty good shape by mistake by working over the summer at cline's garden center. i spent 40+ hours a week walking and carrying, and everything else physical that needed to be done. the summer between junior and senior years is the healthiest i have ever been, and i did it without even trying. in gym class senior year, i was able to run half a mile without any trouble. i want to get back to that. it seems like such a small goal when i have friends that are participating in half-marathons and whole marathons, but i have to start somewhere that makes sense for me. a few months ago getting up from the couch to walk to the fridge would have been considered an accomplishment!!
i am trying not to get ahead of myself, but i'm also trying to think of what goals i am going to set next. i realize that long-term goals don't work for me. that gives me too much time for leniency and excuses in the beginning. i think that a month-long goal works pretty well. i also can't quite decide if i want to start a whole new set of goals, or if i want to add another onto the set that i already have. hmmm.... deep thoughts.... i guess it doesn't matter since i have a whole month to get through before i need to worry about it.
woo hoo!! i completed my goal for the full 8 days that remained in august. now bring on september!!
i have gotten several responses from loved ones about my blog. apparently i come off as really sad or depressed. the more i think about it, the more i realize that is indeed the case. i had been feeling really down in the dumps, really stuck where i was, and really helpless to change my position. so i started this blog and i set a few goals to better myself. i believe that this blog is helping me alot- not that i will ever be a scribe for rainbows and sunshine or anything... it gives me a chance to log not only my emotions, but also my accomplishments. i really don't give myself enough credit for the good that i do, and this blog is making me realize that. that said, despite my pessimistic nature (and apparently pessimistic writing style) i am quite content overall. i would really love to better myself, and right now i feel like sharing some of the sadder thoughts within me is really helping me grow. so fear not family and friends!! there is no need to check me into the psych ward just yet.
on a random note, why does it always seem that whenever there is an upcoming event my skin goes insane? i haven't broken out in weeks, and now that i am headed up to msp this weekend i am zits-a-go-go!! grrr.... hopefully with my diligent skin care (bless you proactiv) it will clear enough to look decent with makeup over it for the weekend. if not, i am seeing old friends who won't care one bit- they have certainly seen me in worse condition. (feel free to imagine scenarios here, chances are there's some truth in anything that might come to mind.) anyway, back to the workout at hand.
most people i know that workout on a regular basis much prefer to run/walk outside where the view changes. i am the exact opposite- give me an elliptical or treadmill any day. i love to just be in one spot, left with only my own mind to focus on (none of that scenery crap), jogging until my heart pounds heavy in my chest. i like to feel my body working. i think alot of people enjoy exercise only with some type of diversion, something that takes their mind off of the energy their bodies are using, to let the exercise part fade into the background. maybe it's because i am new to regular exercise, but i really revel in the motions that i go through. i like to hear my breathing get faster and feel my heart begin to really pump. i enjoy the heat radiating from my back and the tops of my legs as they propel me onward. the body is an amazing thing to behold; everything just clicking away, straining to better itself, incredible. i also really enjoy the monotony. it provides more of an escape for me than any nature path ever could.
i completed my 2 miles for today on the elliptical. i decided to jog in reverse for the first 15 minutes. it feels so good to use new muscles and switch things up just a bit. i can't seem to master the use of the arm poles while going backwards, so instead i just did some overhead presses while i trotted my distance away. i had originally wanted to go backwards for my entire workout today, but since that involved using muscles that hadn't moved in the last decade, i had a change of plans. the 15 minutes backward satisfied 1.20 miles, and i challenged myself to run the last 0.80 miles in only 5 minutes. whew!! that was hard, but i did it! i usually just walk and stretch for about 5 minutes after i finish on the elliptical, but this time i had to spend 10 to get my heart rate back down. it felt really good to go full out. my body can do alot more than i give it credit for.
someday i would like to be able to jog my 2 miles outside. i can do it on the ellptical just fine, but that doesn't translate to the same muscles in the real world. the pounding of your feet/knees on the pavement also takes it's toll. way back in high school i had gotten in pretty good shape by mistake by working over the summer at cline's garden center. i spent 40+ hours a week walking and carrying, and everything else physical that needed to be done. the summer between junior and senior years is the healthiest i have ever been, and i did it without even trying. in gym class senior year, i was able to run half a mile without any trouble. i want to get back to that. it seems like such a small goal when i have friends that are participating in half-marathons and whole marathons, but i have to start somewhere that makes sense for me. a few months ago getting up from the couch to walk to the fridge would have been considered an accomplishment!!
i am trying not to get ahead of myself, but i'm also trying to think of what goals i am going to set next. i realize that long-term goals don't work for me. that gives me too much time for leniency and excuses in the beginning. i think that a month-long goal works pretty well. i also can't quite decide if i want to start a whole new set of goals, or if i want to add another onto the set that i already have. hmmm.... deep thoughts.... i guess it doesn't matter since i have a whole month to get through before i need to worry about it.
woo hoo!! i completed my goal for the full 8 days that remained in august. now bring on september!!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
the saga continues
days remaining: 31
it's hard to believe that tomorrow is the last day of august. i want to ask "where did the summer go?" but truth be told we didn't really have one. the weather has been very cool, and of late very rainy, although this weekend was quite sunny. i don't love the super hot weather, but it doesn't really bother me either. mainly i just stay in the house all day long, so the weather isn't much more than an added interest in the scenery that lies outside my window. but august coming to a close means that i am down to exactly 1 month of my 2-miles-each-day goal. today is my 8th consecutive day of exercise in a row! kind of... i haven't decided if today counts yet.
i started this morning with a weigh-in that i thought would lift my spirits, but instead it made me question whether or not any of this is worth it. i just keep getting fatter. granted, it was only an increase of 1.6 lbs, but i really thought that i would actally lose something. ryan tried to tell me that it's muscle. i'm pretty sure that you don't gain muscle mass that quickly. i'll look that up sometime. maybe i shouldn't, and just keep it as a lie i'm confortable telling myself. yeah.... muscle mass... that's it! i could chalk it up to water weight, but that too doesn't quite rid me of the sinking feeling that i have. in my excitement about meeting my exercise goal each day, i have started to ignore my healthy eating habits. nothing huge, but i have been known to put away a pint of haagen dazs in only a few days, and just yesterday i mentioned the oreos in my pantry. (they were delicious by the way.) i think those are the more likely culprit here, although it may be a combination of all three.
as just a quick update on my second goal of no mcdonald's, that has been a cakewalk! i haven't even been tempted to go. (hence the lack of mentioning any of this as an accomplishment in any previous posts.) normally it's my late night go-to, but since i have been grocery shopping pretty regularly, there are enough snacks in the house to tide me over. that, and these days i more often than not spend my evening on the elliptical instead of stuffing my face on the couch. that's a huge step in the right direction! i probably won't mention this goal again until either a) i mess up and eat at mcdonald's or b) i reach the end of september with no trouble at all.
but, back to the exercise portion of this discussion. i sit here watching the clock, totally unmotivated, trying to decide if i'm counting my adventure today as my 2 miles. i did indeed travel 2 miles, but i just don't feel like i have met my goal for the day. in my mind, when i made my daily distance goal, i meant that i would either walk outside or jog on the elliptical. but today i rode my bike. does that count? i'm not sure. i even went back to my first post on here to see what i wrote as my official goal statement and hoped it would help me define the situation a bit better. no luck. here's what i originally posted:
GOALS:
1) no mcdonald's until the end of september
2) i will "do" 2 miles everyday until the end of september, either elliptical or outside in our subdivision
hmmm.... i guess bike riding could count. mentally i wasn't including bike rides when i made these goals, but i did indeed "do" 2 miles outside in our subdivision today. so then why does counting my goal as met feel like such a lie? is it because i didn't wear my hear rate monitor? is it because my feet were pushing pedals up and down instead of pounding pavement? i can't quite figure it out. i should at least be able to count some of my goal as met since part-way back of the return trip my bike chain fell off, and i had to not only walk the bike, but also with trailer with audrey in it the last half mile to our house! let me say how badly that sucked!! i don't know, i can't shake the feeling that i'm cheating a bit.
that said, i have stuck to my goals thus far, and i refuse to let this day mar my accomplishments with it's hazy nature. henceforth let it be known that bike rides DON'T count in this challenge.
up to the elliptical i go. i still have 2 miles to finish today!
it's hard to believe that tomorrow is the last day of august. i want to ask "where did the summer go?" but truth be told we didn't really have one. the weather has been very cool, and of late very rainy, although this weekend was quite sunny. i don't love the super hot weather, but it doesn't really bother me either. mainly i just stay in the house all day long, so the weather isn't much more than an added interest in the scenery that lies outside my window. but august coming to a close means that i am down to exactly 1 month of my 2-miles-each-day goal. today is my 8th consecutive day of exercise in a row! kind of... i haven't decided if today counts yet.
i started this morning with a weigh-in that i thought would lift my spirits, but instead it made me question whether or not any of this is worth it. i just keep getting fatter. granted, it was only an increase of 1.6 lbs, but i really thought that i would actally lose something. ryan tried to tell me that it's muscle. i'm pretty sure that you don't gain muscle mass that quickly. i'll look that up sometime. maybe i shouldn't, and just keep it as a lie i'm confortable telling myself. yeah.... muscle mass... that's it! i could chalk it up to water weight, but that too doesn't quite rid me of the sinking feeling that i have. in my excitement about meeting my exercise goal each day, i have started to ignore my healthy eating habits. nothing huge, but i have been known to put away a pint of haagen dazs in only a few days, and just yesterday i mentioned the oreos in my pantry. (they were delicious by the way.) i think those are the more likely culprit here, although it may be a combination of all three.
as just a quick update on my second goal of no mcdonald's, that has been a cakewalk! i haven't even been tempted to go. (hence the lack of mentioning any of this as an accomplishment in any previous posts.) normally it's my late night go-to, but since i have been grocery shopping pretty regularly, there are enough snacks in the house to tide me over. that, and these days i more often than not spend my evening on the elliptical instead of stuffing my face on the couch. that's a huge step in the right direction! i probably won't mention this goal again until either a) i mess up and eat at mcdonald's or b) i reach the end of september with no trouble at all.
but, back to the exercise portion of this discussion. i sit here watching the clock, totally unmotivated, trying to decide if i'm counting my adventure today as my 2 miles. i did indeed travel 2 miles, but i just don't feel like i have met my goal for the day. in my mind, when i made my daily distance goal, i meant that i would either walk outside or jog on the elliptical. but today i rode my bike. does that count? i'm not sure. i even went back to my first post on here to see what i wrote as my official goal statement and hoped it would help me define the situation a bit better. no luck. here's what i originally posted:
GOALS:
1) no mcdonald's until the end of september
2) i will "do" 2 miles everyday until the end of september, either elliptical or outside in our subdivision
hmmm.... i guess bike riding could count. mentally i wasn't including bike rides when i made these goals, but i did indeed "do" 2 miles outside in our subdivision today. so then why does counting my goal as met feel like such a lie? is it because i didn't wear my hear rate monitor? is it because my feet were pushing pedals up and down instead of pounding pavement? i can't quite figure it out. i should at least be able to count some of my goal as met since part-way back of the return trip my bike chain fell off, and i had to not only walk the bike, but also with trailer with audrey in it the last half mile to our house! let me say how badly that sucked!! i don't know, i can't shake the feeling that i'm cheating a bit.
that said, i have stuck to my goals thus far, and i refuse to let this day mar my accomplishments with it's hazy nature. henceforth let it be known that bike rides DON'T count in this challenge.
up to the elliptical i go. i still have 2 miles to finish today!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
we're all a little bleary-eyed
uffda! ryan came back from his business trip at 2 in the morning. i would know, i was still awake. i wasn't planning on staying up to say hello, but then i got to watching some dumb movie that went until 1am, so i figured i might as well wait a bit longer, as he was due home any minute. turns out he shut his phone off, took his sweet time, and stopped off for a cup of coffee because he figured that no one would be awake anyway. harumph! but, short night aside, i woke up and made cinnamon rolls, and we all ate breakfast together as a family. audrey was grinning from ear to ear to have her daddy home again. i ♥love♥ moments like that. we also took a wonderful family nap together and decided that in the afternoon we would head out somewhere yet to be determined. had i only known...
at 4, i suggested a walk together instead of going anywhere to spend money; ry agreed. we made it a few blocks down the street when we had to loop around the block to get back home. ryan had forgotten to take his inhaler. no matter, i figured at some point he would peel off and head home (either with or without audrey), and i would finish my 2 miles for the day. so we started out from home again for a second time. a few blocks later, we stopped again, this time because his back was hurting him. he headed home and audrey and i continued on. i figured that it was probably from spending the week in a hotel with a crappy bed and being trapped in an airplane for 8 hours yesterday.
little one and i trooped along the path that i had developed on a walking-route-planning website that measured a little more than 2 miles. the path was as close as i could map out to my current distance goal, while still maintaining a route i could remember on a regular basis. i also wore my hr monitor watch for calorie tracking and my pedometer for distance. i just got a brand new pedometer, so i wanted to see if it would come to the same result as the website. between the loop back around with ry and following the path i mapped out, the pedometer read that i had taken 5,600 steps. that seems about right since 2,000 steps is supposed to equal a mile. i ended up burning 300 calories too!! not too shabby!! i did feel a little guilty about making audrey stare off at nothing for an hour while i zoned out with my ipod. (i know, i worry about things a little too much.) but when i pulled the stroller into our garage and looked down at her, she was happy as a clam, gnawing away on my waterbottle. i am the epitamy of quality parenting ;)
days remaining: 32
i thought that we would walk in the house, cook a nice dinner, and have a quiet evening. after all, i had finished my exercise for the day by 5pm!! like i said earlier, little did i know.... we came home to find poor ryan lying down, his back in full spasm, and he in excruciating pain. yikes!! long story short, audrey ate dinner in the waiting room at urgent care with me while ry got an ekg and a prescription for muscle relaxers. thank goodness we are all together safe and sound again. i am pretty exhausted, so there are still toys strewn all over the floor that need to be picked up, and i am in desperate need of the double stuf oreos that await me in the pantry. i've got food network on the tv and my feet up on the coffee table. housework can wait.
i hope my ry feels better soon.
at 4, i suggested a walk together instead of going anywhere to spend money; ry agreed. we made it a few blocks down the street when we had to loop around the block to get back home. ryan had forgotten to take his inhaler. no matter, i figured at some point he would peel off and head home (either with or without audrey), and i would finish my 2 miles for the day. so we started out from home again for a second time. a few blocks later, we stopped again, this time because his back was hurting him. he headed home and audrey and i continued on. i figured that it was probably from spending the week in a hotel with a crappy bed and being trapped in an airplane for 8 hours yesterday.
little one and i trooped along the path that i had developed on a walking-route-planning website that measured a little more than 2 miles. the path was as close as i could map out to my current distance goal, while still maintaining a route i could remember on a regular basis. i also wore my hr monitor watch for calorie tracking and my pedometer for distance. i just got a brand new pedometer, so i wanted to see if it would come to the same result as the website. between the loop back around with ry and following the path i mapped out, the pedometer read that i had taken 5,600 steps. that seems about right since 2,000 steps is supposed to equal a mile. i ended up burning 300 calories too!! not too shabby!! i did feel a little guilty about making audrey stare off at nothing for an hour while i zoned out with my ipod. (i know, i worry about things a little too much.) but when i pulled the stroller into our garage and looked down at her, she was happy as a clam, gnawing away on my waterbottle. i am the epitamy of quality parenting ;)
days remaining: 32
i thought that we would walk in the house, cook a nice dinner, and have a quiet evening. after all, i had finished my exercise for the day by 5pm!! like i said earlier, little did i know.... we came home to find poor ryan lying down, his back in full spasm, and he in excruciating pain. yikes!! long story short, audrey ate dinner in the waiting room at urgent care with me while ry got an ekg and a prescription for muscle relaxers. thank goodness we are all together safe and sound again. i am pretty exhausted, so there are still toys strewn all over the floor that need to be picked up, and i am in desperate need of the double stuf oreos that await me in the pantry. i've got food network on the tv and my feet up on the coffee table. housework can wait.
i hope my ry feels better soon.
Friday, August 28, 2009
done early today!
days remaining: 33!!!!!!!
do you believe it? i've almost been at this a week! i know that doesn't sound like much, but since i've tried to quit twice already, i think that's a pretty big accomplishment. tonight was short and sweet. i was in the mood to go fast. a stupid viral video on child abuse really got under my skin and i needed the speed to work it out of my system. i just turned up my ipod and huffed along as quickly as i could. as of this moment i am feeling alot better about it, but i can't figure out if that's because i got my blood pumping or because i chatted a bit about the video with my good friend melissa. either way, i feel great now and have the rest of the night ahead of me!
(insert big sigh of relief here) i am so So SO thankful that ryan will be back tonight/tomorrow morning. i miss him when he's gone. i miss having my support system around, both for my crazy mental breakdowns involving miscellaneous videos and helping with audrey. she will be so excited to see her daddy tomorrow too. her little eyes lit up when i had ry on speaker phone this afternoon. when he's gone, it just breaks my heart to watch her run down the hall to his empty office or see her stare back at the empty bed where he's usually still sleeping when she and i get up in the morning. since he normally works from home, she really takes it hard when her daddy's not around. and it's not any grand trips for ryan either; up to all hours renegotiating firewall rules and rerouting systems and whatever else he does involving computer mumbo jumbo. (honestly, i really DO try to pay attention when he talks about work, i just usually have no idea what the heck he's talking ABOUT.) but as of tomorrow, we will be back to our normal ward-and-june-cleaver selves. that will be great.
i can't complain too loudly about this week as a whole. ryan didn't leave until tuesday after lunch, aud and i have been pretty peaceful (albeit a little water-logged with all the rain we've had), and we girlies got to have a fun playdate today with becky and mallory. becky and i have been friends for the last 20 years and have vascillated greatly between inseperable to not speaking at all. for the most part, the non-speaking portions were usually a result of laziness rather than any serious issues. now that i realize that, i'm not sure if that makes them better or worse... that aside, she has a beautiful daughter, mallory, who is 4. the age difference between 17 months and 4 is a bit much for playing together, but becky and i like to get together for one another's company more than for the benefit of our kids; the fact that they like to chase one another around for a few hours each month is just an added bonus. i sure wish they didn't live quite so far away.
well, i still haven't eaten dinner yet today, but there's no food in the house that sounds even remotely appetizing. i always get a sort of dinner-related cabin fever when ryan is gone. it's like my brain can sense that i am stuck in the house, so it doesn't want any of the options that are readily available indoors. i could order a pizza, but i think that might undo my 5 days of working out a bit more than i would like. granted, we do have 3 pizzas in the freezer to choose from, but naturally those don't appeal to me one bit. it's just like the title of this blog says: "crazy is a full-time job," and don't i know it.... there are only so many granola bars one can consume in a day before craving something a bit more substantial.
off i go in search of sustainance!
do you believe it? i've almost been at this a week! i know that doesn't sound like much, but since i've tried to quit twice already, i think that's a pretty big accomplishment. tonight was short and sweet. i was in the mood to go fast. a stupid viral video on child abuse really got under my skin and i needed the speed to work it out of my system. i just turned up my ipod and huffed along as quickly as i could. as of this moment i am feeling alot better about it, but i can't figure out if that's because i got my blood pumping or because i chatted a bit about the video with my good friend melissa. either way, i feel great now and have the rest of the night ahead of me!
(insert big sigh of relief here) i am so So SO thankful that ryan will be back tonight/tomorrow morning. i miss him when he's gone. i miss having my support system around, both for my crazy mental breakdowns involving miscellaneous videos and helping with audrey. she will be so excited to see her daddy tomorrow too. her little eyes lit up when i had ry on speaker phone this afternoon. when he's gone, it just breaks my heart to watch her run down the hall to his empty office or see her stare back at the empty bed where he's usually still sleeping when she and i get up in the morning. since he normally works from home, she really takes it hard when her daddy's not around. and it's not any grand trips for ryan either; up to all hours renegotiating firewall rules and rerouting systems and whatever else he does involving computer mumbo jumbo. (honestly, i really DO try to pay attention when he talks about work, i just usually have no idea what the heck he's talking ABOUT.) but as of tomorrow, we will be back to our normal ward-and-june-cleaver selves. that will be great.
i can't complain too loudly about this week as a whole. ryan didn't leave until tuesday after lunch, aud and i have been pretty peaceful (albeit a little water-logged with all the rain we've had), and we girlies got to have a fun playdate today with becky and mallory. becky and i have been friends for the last 20 years and have vascillated greatly between inseperable to not speaking at all. for the most part, the non-speaking portions were usually a result of laziness rather than any serious issues. now that i realize that, i'm not sure if that makes them better or worse... that aside, she has a beautiful daughter, mallory, who is 4. the age difference between 17 months and 4 is a bit much for playing together, but becky and i like to get together for one another's company more than for the benefit of our kids; the fact that they like to chase one another around for a few hours each month is just an added bonus. i sure wish they didn't live quite so far away.
well, i still haven't eaten dinner yet today, but there's no food in the house that sounds even remotely appetizing. i always get a sort of dinner-related cabin fever when ryan is gone. it's like my brain can sense that i am stuck in the house, so it doesn't want any of the options that are readily available indoors. i could order a pizza, but i think that might undo my 5 days of working out a bit more than i would like. granted, we do have 3 pizzas in the freezer to choose from, but naturally those don't appeal to me one bit. it's just like the title of this blog says: "crazy is a full-time job," and don't i know it.... there are only so many granola bars one can consume in a day before craving something a bit more substantial.
off i go in search of sustainance!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
can you believe it?
days remaining: 34
5 days!! i have excercised for 5 days straight! it's been a LONG time since that has happened, although it has indeed previously happened (♪♫ once upon a dream...♪♫). it was a pretty easy day today, no strenuous resistance or anything. i was on a pretty tight schedule this evening. alas, my priorities are a bit skewed, but i had to squeeze in the workout between the new episode of ace of cakes, a shower, and the new episode of project runway. these are important things people!! i even crapped out on doing the dishes and finishing the load of laundry i had going to get my workout in- let me tell you how difficult those duties were to shirk....
on an unnaturally positive note, i have been feeling really good this week! i snuck another trip to the scale, and i think that i'm going to be pleased with the results when i weigh in on sunday. admittedly though, i have been cheating a little with ryan gone- treats keep me company when he's away. i found a new favorite ice cream: haagen dazs reserve, fleur de sel caramel. CARAMEL + SEA SALT = DELICIOUS! i am definitely a fan of the salty/sweet combination. it's really nice to know that because i have been working out more, a small dish of ice cream isn't going to reverse all my good work. treats may not be the healthiest thing, but it's not realistic for me to not include them in my diet. i am, after all, a dennis.
i am pretty excited about tomorrow too. audrey and i are headed to a playdate up in wisconsin, and my wonderful hubby comes home (albeit well after midnight)!!! this playdate has been in the planning since june and keeps getting put off for various reasons. if you were to look at my kitchen calendar for the month of august it is littered with playdates scheduled and then crossed off again. but, tomorrow is the day!! i love spending days with my friends, but it really chaps me to have to give up my afternoon nap to do it. i ♥♥♥ napping. if there were such a job as professional napper, i would be in heaven. i just hope that i keep up my energy enough (sans nap) to do my 2 miles tomorrow. no, no, no, no, NO! wrong!! i will do my 2 miles tomorrow without fail!!
(yawn) although just thinking about naps is making me sleepy. that, and it's nearly midnight.........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......
5 days!! i have excercised for 5 days straight! it's been a LONG time since that has happened, although it has indeed previously happened (♪♫ once upon a dream...♪♫). it was a pretty easy day today, no strenuous resistance or anything. i was on a pretty tight schedule this evening. alas, my priorities are a bit skewed, but i had to squeeze in the workout between the new episode of ace of cakes, a shower, and the new episode of project runway. these are important things people!! i even crapped out on doing the dishes and finishing the load of laundry i had going to get my workout in- let me tell you how difficult those duties were to shirk....
on an unnaturally positive note, i have been feeling really good this week! i snuck another trip to the scale, and i think that i'm going to be pleased with the results when i weigh in on sunday. admittedly though, i have been cheating a little with ryan gone- treats keep me company when he's away. i found a new favorite ice cream: haagen dazs reserve, fleur de sel caramel. CARAMEL + SEA SALT = DELICIOUS! i am definitely a fan of the salty/sweet combination. it's really nice to know that because i have been working out more, a small dish of ice cream isn't going to reverse all my good work. treats may not be the healthiest thing, but it's not realistic for me to not include them in my diet. i am, after all, a dennis.
i am pretty excited about tomorrow too. audrey and i are headed to a playdate up in wisconsin, and my wonderful hubby comes home (albeit well after midnight)!!! this playdate has been in the planning since june and keeps getting put off for various reasons. if you were to look at my kitchen calendar for the month of august it is littered with playdates scheduled and then crossed off again. but, tomorrow is the day!! i love spending days with my friends, but it really chaps me to have to give up my afternoon nap to do it. i ♥♥♥ napping. if there were such a job as professional napper, i would be in heaven. i just hope that i keep up my energy enough (sans nap) to do my 2 miles tomorrow. no, no, no, no, NO! wrong!! i will do my 2 miles tomorrow without fail!!
(yawn) although just thinking about naps is making me sleepy. that, and it's nearly midnight.........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......
whew!
well, the morose lingerings on a move back to minnesota from last night have past. it's amazing what pms can do to a person. as if i'm not insane enough on a normal day (normal also being a relative term), that one week really throws me over the edge. i did mention a possible move to ryan, and he explained to me all the things that i already knew (but didn't care to acknowledge in my pms-funk) about why we couldn't move any time in at least the next 5 years, as well as how miserable i would be if i were away from my family. all true, i must confess in my slightly more rational state.
sigh.... but, on to the current task at hand. my night kind of slipped away from me with a good cubbies game on tv and then a new episode of leverage. i found myself looking at 11:15pm on the clock and still 2 miles to go. i also desperately wanted to continue my reading of "the julie/julia project." so, my periodically present multi-tasking skills came in quite handy as i trotted along on the elliptical with book in hand. i decided that since i can't go very fast when i'm reading, i would try working out slowly at the highest resistance level. seriously, the tragedy that might have occured if i tried to go fast on the elliptical without holding on is epic! so.... 40 minutes and a bucket of sweat later, i completed my 2.05 miles for today with a whopping 231 calories burned!! i think it's been kind of fun seeing how much or how little of a workout you can give your body in a measly 2 mile walk.
days remaining: 35
because i want to get back to my book, that is it for tonight! over and out!!
sigh.... but, on to the current task at hand. my night kind of slipped away from me with a good cubbies game on tv and then a new episode of leverage. i found myself looking at 11:15pm on the clock and still 2 miles to go. i also desperately wanted to continue my reading of "the julie/julia project." so, my periodically present multi-tasking skills came in quite handy as i trotted along on the elliptical with book in hand. i decided that since i can't go very fast when i'm reading, i would try working out slowly at the highest resistance level. seriously, the tragedy that might have occured if i tried to go fast on the elliptical without holding on is epic! so.... 40 minutes and a bucket of sweat later, i completed my 2.05 miles for today with a whopping 231 calories burned!! i think it's been kind of fun seeing how much or how little of a workout you can give your body in a measly 2 mile walk.
days remaining: 35
because i want to get back to my book, that is it for tonight! over and out!!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
thinking hard...
so, first and foremost, i accomplished by 2 miles today, and with record calorie burning at a whopping 181 in half an hour!! this is feeling pretty good. i had promised myself that i wouldn't worry about tracking my prgress via weigh-in except on sundays, but today i decided to jump on and just "see." well, wasn't i suprised!! it was midafternoon (usually my heaviest) and i hadn't really been keeping track of what i ate, and i was down about a pound from sunday! what excellent news!!
days remaining: 36
but that is not what i feel like talking about tonight. i spent a portion of my evening chatting on messenger with one of my closest friends. she recently moved from minneapolis to albuquerque to be nearer to her family. she has settled in pretty nicely and is happily and gainfully employed. but.... she doesn't feel like that's the place she's meant to stay. that really got me thinking about myself and my own situation.
as far as daily life goes, i couldn't be happier. my husband is amazing, and has a wonderful job that allows me to stay at home full-time. he works from our home as well, and while at first we were both a little nervous about how it would all work out with both of us home/together all the time, but we have found a good balance and are really happy that we both get to spend so much time with audrey. the little world inside our home is perfect, what more can i say. but.... something isn't right.
i constantly find myself searching for where our next home would possibly be located. i do very much hate the cookie cutter town home we are currently in, but it certainly serves our needs for the time being. every time that i go to a new suburb, or drive a new route, i keep my eyes peeled, hoping to find my niche. so far, no luck.
truth be told, i love being near my family. i wish, as far as the people are concerned, that we all lived closer. the hour and a half to my sister's is nearly unbearable sometimes. having my mom 40 min away is wonderful, but i want her closer too. my dad is still an hour away in my hometown, and trying to move even further away from me (but closer to my sister.) i would love to see them all everyday. there's no way anyone will be moving closer to me, it's just not feasible. and, honestly, i don't want to live in harvard, union, or lake geneva. (my brother lives in dallas, so he's not really in the picture in this case.) when you get down to it, my heart is in minneapolis. i loved living there. i felt like it was my city. i made many of my closest friends there, and i miss them terribly. the only deterrant is the proximity to my mother-in-law in st paul. and that is a SERIOUS deterrant.
i thought that moving back here from mpls to be closer to my family would make me happy. it has just made me realize that no matter where i live, my family will be right by my side when i need them. i get to see people a little more often than i would living in mn, but really not all that much. somehow the 1-1½ hours is almost an insurmountable as the 6 from mpls. i have no good friends nearby. one of my best friends still lives an hour away, and i have only seen her twice in the 2 years i have been back. that's probably less than i would see her if i lived further away!! i think that ryan misses mn too. all of his friends are still there also. he just got a new job here in chicago that starts in 3 weeks. needless to say, between that and the housing market, a move is not in our near future.
i really wish that ryan was here to talk to. i want to hear his thoughts on the subject. melancholy night in the chicago suburbs.
days remaining: 36
but that is not what i feel like talking about tonight. i spent a portion of my evening chatting on messenger with one of my closest friends. she recently moved from minneapolis to albuquerque to be nearer to her family. she has settled in pretty nicely and is happily and gainfully employed. but.... she doesn't feel like that's the place she's meant to stay. that really got me thinking about myself and my own situation.
as far as daily life goes, i couldn't be happier. my husband is amazing, and has a wonderful job that allows me to stay at home full-time. he works from our home as well, and while at first we were both a little nervous about how it would all work out with both of us home/together all the time, but we have found a good balance and are really happy that we both get to spend so much time with audrey. the little world inside our home is perfect, what more can i say. but.... something isn't right.
i constantly find myself searching for where our next home would possibly be located. i do very much hate the cookie cutter town home we are currently in, but it certainly serves our needs for the time being. every time that i go to a new suburb, or drive a new route, i keep my eyes peeled, hoping to find my niche. so far, no luck.
truth be told, i love being near my family. i wish, as far as the people are concerned, that we all lived closer. the hour and a half to my sister's is nearly unbearable sometimes. having my mom 40 min away is wonderful, but i want her closer too. my dad is still an hour away in my hometown, and trying to move even further away from me (but closer to my sister.) i would love to see them all everyday. there's no way anyone will be moving closer to me, it's just not feasible. and, honestly, i don't want to live in harvard, union, or lake geneva. (my brother lives in dallas, so he's not really in the picture in this case.) when you get down to it, my heart is in minneapolis. i loved living there. i felt like it was my city. i made many of my closest friends there, and i miss them terribly. the only deterrant is the proximity to my mother-in-law in st paul. and that is a SERIOUS deterrant.
i thought that moving back here from mpls to be closer to my family would make me happy. it has just made me realize that no matter where i live, my family will be right by my side when i need them. i get to see people a little more often than i would living in mn, but really not all that much. somehow the 1-1½ hours is almost an insurmountable as the 6 from mpls. i have no good friends nearby. one of my best friends still lives an hour away, and i have only seen her twice in the 2 years i have been back. that's probably less than i would see her if i lived further away!! i think that ryan misses mn too. all of his friends are still there also. he just got a new job here in chicago that starts in 3 weeks. needless to say, between that and the housing market, a move is not in our near future.
i really wish that ryan was here to talk to. i want to hear his thoughts on the subject. melancholy night in the chicago suburbs.
Monday, August 24, 2009
another 2 miles down
well, 2.06 miles to be exact. my heart rate monitor watch said that i only burned 111 calories today, as opposed to yesterdays 122, even though i was keeping my heart rate much higher today. needless to say, i recalibrated the damn thing, so hopefully it will reflect my hard work a little better.
days remaining: 37
it was a strange day today. i actually looked forward to working out. i even turned off the tv early to come upstairs and jump on the elliptical for my half an hour. i spend a good portion of the afternoon not only mapping out a 2 mile loop to walk near my house, but also took the time to map out a 2 mile loop near my mother-in-laws house in st paul so i couldn't have any excuses when we went up for labor day weekend. who am i today?! it's amazing what a few workouts can do for you!! i didn't even feel like i needed to lay down when audrey did, but you can best be believin' that i did anyway. with that little peanut, even if i don't feel like i need rest at the time, i know i will regret not taking it later. ryan even wanted to go to mcdonald's for breakfast this morning as a treat, and i told him politely that i wouldn't be having anything. he's also participating in the "no mcd until the end of sept" goal, but i'm not going to keep track of him. what he eats is his own business. all i am going to do is try to set a good example and hope that like attracts like when it comes to eating habits. (apparently this is true, because he didn't go to mcd this morning for himself either.)
working out is such a personal thing. you can't nag someone into it if they don't want to. they might participate once or twice, but in the end they will quit if they aren't motivated within themselves. as much as i have enjoyed workout partners in the past (i miss my melissa dearly), but they have to be the one who pushes me. i don't do well in the "motivator" role. i will go if someone asks me, but if i am supposed to be getting someone off their butt, chances are the both of us will be sitting on the couch splitting a large sausage pizza and a package of double stufs. so.... knowing this about myself has made me realize that i'm better off alone in this department. that way there's no one to blame but myself if i quit. but i won't quit. not this time. it's only 37 more days- piece of cake!! (i'm trying to think positive, damn it!!)
on a different topic, i really want to get pregnant again. my feelings vascilate throughout the day, but overall, i am ready for another one. i felt great when i was pregnant. i think mostly because i wasn't so hard on myself. i didn't have to be perfect. i could just enjoy myself, enjoy my food, and put my feet up at night without an ounce of guilt instead of furiously cleaning. i worry that i won't be able to mange 2 kids all day, but i'd like to give it a try. i feel guilty at the thought of taking away audrey's time as an only child, but i think a sibling would be a great thing for her too. the thought of the actual birthing process freaks me out to no end, but once it becomes inevitable, it no longer bothers me. i'm also hoping that a pregnancy will keep me extra motivated. i ate terribly when i was carrying audrey, and am still paying for it today. i got severely dehydrated and spent a night in the hospital. a week later audrey was born, at 3.5 weeks early. i still blame myself and the lack of care that i took of myself for her early delivery. don't get me wrong, she is absolutely perfect and healthy, but i still feel those pangs when i look at her sometimes. i refuse to do that to another baby.
on yet another topic, i must say, i really like blogging. i thought it was stupid for the longest time. i didn't know why on earth i would ever need one, since i rarely have anything of substance to say. but somehow, it makes things more real to me. even though i had journaled periodically in the past, those thoughts were still for my eyes alone. i could make declarations and promises and they went completely unnoticed when broken. now, even though so far i am still my only audience, the possibility that someone else could see/read/know my thoughts and feelings gives me a sense of relief. a burden is lifted. there is also the added bonus of some accountability that i have mentioned previously. i hope that everyday for the next 37 days i write of my successes, and i hope to become a better person for them.
days remaining: 37
it was a strange day today. i actually looked forward to working out. i even turned off the tv early to come upstairs and jump on the elliptical for my half an hour. i spend a good portion of the afternoon not only mapping out a 2 mile loop to walk near my house, but also took the time to map out a 2 mile loop near my mother-in-laws house in st paul so i couldn't have any excuses when we went up for labor day weekend. who am i today?! it's amazing what a few workouts can do for you!! i didn't even feel like i needed to lay down when audrey did, but you can best be believin' that i did anyway. with that little peanut, even if i don't feel like i need rest at the time, i know i will regret not taking it later. ryan even wanted to go to mcdonald's for breakfast this morning as a treat, and i told him politely that i wouldn't be having anything. he's also participating in the "no mcd until the end of sept" goal, but i'm not going to keep track of him. what he eats is his own business. all i am going to do is try to set a good example and hope that like attracts like when it comes to eating habits. (apparently this is true, because he didn't go to mcd this morning for himself either.)
working out is such a personal thing. you can't nag someone into it if they don't want to. they might participate once or twice, but in the end they will quit if they aren't motivated within themselves. as much as i have enjoyed workout partners in the past (i miss my melissa dearly), but they have to be the one who pushes me. i don't do well in the "motivator" role. i will go if someone asks me, but if i am supposed to be getting someone off their butt, chances are the both of us will be sitting on the couch splitting a large sausage pizza and a package of double stufs. so.... knowing this about myself has made me realize that i'm better off alone in this department. that way there's no one to blame but myself if i quit. but i won't quit. not this time. it's only 37 more days- piece of cake!! (i'm trying to think positive, damn it!!)
on a different topic, i really want to get pregnant again. my feelings vascilate throughout the day, but overall, i am ready for another one. i felt great when i was pregnant. i think mostly because i wasn't so hard on myself. i didn't have to be perfect. i could just enjoy myself, enjoy my food, and put my feet up at night without an ounce of guilt instead of furiously cleaning. i worry that i won't be able to mange 2 kids all day, but i'd like to give it a try. i feel guilty at the thought of taking away audrey's time as an only child, but i think a sibling would be a great thing for her too. the thought of the actual birthing process freaks me out to no end, but once it becomes inevitable, it no longer bothers me. i'm also hoping that a pregnancy will keep me extra motivated. i ate terribly when i was carrying audrey, and am still paying for it today. i got severely dehydrated and spent a night in the hospital. a week later audrey was born, at 3.5 weeks early. i still blame myself and the lack of care that i took of myself for her early delivery. don't get me wrong, she is absolutely perfect and healthy, but i still feel those pangs when i look at her sometimes. i refuse to do that to another baby.
on yet another topic, i must say, i really like blogging. i thought it was stupid for the longest time. i didn't know why on earth i would ever need one, since i rarely have anything of substance to say. but somehow, it makes things more real to me. even though i had journaled periodically in the past, those thoughts were still for my eyes alone. i could make declarations and promises and they went completely unnoticed when broken. now, even though so far i am still my only audience, the possibility that someone else could see/read/know my thoughts and feelings gives me a sense of relief. a burden is lifted. there is also the added bonus of some accountability that i have mentioned previously. i hope that everyday for the next 37 days i write of my successes, and i hope to become a better person for them.
day 1
2 miles.... accomplished!!
days remaining: 38
i had wanted to go for a walk outside today (it was beautiful), but the family decided to head out in the afternoon instead. i honestly thought about NOT doing my 2 miles today, but i think that would be pretty sad to not even make your goals on the first day!! so there i was, puffing along on the elliptical at 11:30pm, studying a new cookbook that i aquired.
i can't decide if it's funny or sad that i am so out of shape that barely a trot gets my heart rate up into my target hr zone for burning fat. the only part of me that broke a sweat the entire time was my inner elbows from holding up the cookbook. but, even though i didn't feel like i was doing much at the time, i am feeling a surge of energy now, and i burned 122 calories!! a sad drop in the bucket in the long run, but it's a start, and that's 122 more calories than yesterday.
we have a trip upcoming to minneapolis for a wedding and to visit friends. i am a little nervous that i'll skip my walks. i won't have my computer with me to blog about it either. well, i may have the computer, but no internet to speak of. how can people live without it?! since i am aware of it now, perhaps with proper planning, i can map out a walking route. is there a website for that? hmmm...
with these mind-boggling thoughts i sign out for the evening. there are more new books to be read!!
days remaining: 38
i had wanted to go for a walk outside today (it was beautiful), but the family decided to head out in the afternoon instead. i honestly thought about NOT doing my 2 miles today, but i think that would be pretty sad to not even make your goals on the first day!! so there i was, puffing along on the elliptical at 11:30pm, studying a new cookbook that i aquired.
i can't decide if it's funny or sad that i am so out of shape that barely a trot gets my heart rate up into my target hr zone for burning fat. the only part of me that broke a sweat the entire time was my inner elbows from holding up the cookbook. but, even though i didn't feel like i was doing much at the time, i am feeling a surge of energy now, and i burned 122 calories!! a sad drop in the bucket in the long run, but it's a start, and that's 122 more calories than yesterday.
we have a trip upcoming to minneapolis for a wedding and to visit friends. i am a little nervous that i'll skip my walks. i won't have my computer with me to blog about it either. well, i may have the computer, but no internet to speak of. how can people live without it?! since i am aware of it now, perhaps with proper planning, i can map out a walking route. is there a website for that? hmmm...
with these mind-boggling thoughts i sign out for the evening. there are more new books to be read!!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
mixed feelings
they say you are your own worst critic. for me, that's definitely true. i am really hard on myself, but there are things in my life that need to change. my main focus right now is my weight. i have always been a bigger person, and that doesn't usually bother me, but after having my daughter, things have gotten way out of hand. i weigh the same 17 months after she was born as i did when i was full-term pregnant. like i said, out of hand! but it seems no matter how disgusted i am with myself i still can't find the motivation to change. i do well for a few days, but then i lose momentum, and go back to my old ways of midnight snacking and too large portions.
i caught a glimpse of myself stepping into the shower tonight (i usually try to avoid mirrors when naked) and i realized that i am miserable. downright miserable. the depression i feel in regards to my weight have now seeped into the other parts of my life, and i really am not ok with that. my husband tells me all the time that i'm a grouch, and it's true, i am. granted, it really doesn't help to hear, but it's true nonetheless. how do you not be grouchy when you are constantly disgusted with yourself?
i never gave my job credit for keeping me a reasonable size, but apparently it did. i used to stand at least 40 hours a week, now i barely move. i play alot with my daughter, but that really requires very little energy. i like the way exercising makes me feel. so..... accomplished! but somehow even recalling that feeling doesn't get me going in the right direction. i find excuses to not continue, or claim i'm too busy. frankly, i am exhausted at the end of the night, but i know full well that i wouldn't be if i would only exercise. i am a walking contradiction.
the most disappointing part is that i know better!! i know that eating that package of oreos at midnight is a terrible choice. i know watching tv because i'm exhausted instead of getting on the elliptical is not going to get me feeling better. but somehow, i still choose to not use the resources that are available to me. i have videos. i have weights. i have an elliptical. i have calorie tracking software and a beautiful new computer. i even just bought a wii fit! it doesn't seem to matter.
my biggest fear is that i will get pregnant again and i will keep all the weight on from that pregnancy too. we are actively trying right now for baby #2. i could be pregnant this very moment, but it's too soon to tell. i want to do better for my children. i want to do better for myself.
so, as of today, i am choosing to write a blog. a blog about me. my feelings, my weight, anything. i am choosing to start with the weight. i just went to see "julie & julia" last night with my mom and sister, and i was a bit inspired. (hence the blog.) i want to set some goals for myself, and i want to do it on here. they are going to be small goals to start, but that's ok.
GOALS:
1) no mcdonald's until the end of september
2) i will "do" 2 miles everyday until the end of september, either elliptical or outside in our subdivision
that's it! my simple goals. only 2 to start with, but i think they will be a good start, a start i'm comfortable with. secretly i find myself hoping that lots of people will follow this blog. i am also hoping that i am invisible. that is me: a mixed bag of crazy. nonetheless, here i go.
i caught a glimpse of myself stepping into the shower tonight (i usually try to avoid mirrors when naked) and i realized that i am miserable. downright miserable. the depression i feel in regards to my weight have now seeped into the other parts of my life, and i really am not ok with that. my husband tells me all the time that i'm a grouch, and it's true, i am. granted, it really doesn't help to hear, but it's true nonetheless. how do you not be grouchy when you are constantly disgusted with yourself?
i never gave my job credit for keeping me a reasonable size, but apparently it did. i used to stand at least 40 hours a week, now i barely move. i play alot with my daughter, but that really requires very little energy. i like the way exercising makes me feel. so..... accomplished! but somehow even recalling that feeling doesn't get me going in the right direction. i find excuses to not continue, or claim i'm too busy. frankly, i am exhausted at the end of the night, but i know full well that i wouldn't be if i would only exercise. i am a walking contradiction.
the most disappointing part is that i know better!! i know that eating that package of oreos at midnight is a terrible choice. i know watching tv because i'm exhausted instead of getting on the elliptical is not going to get me feeling better. but somehow, i still choose to not use the resources that are available to me. i have videos. i have weights. i have an elliptical. i have calorie tracking software and a beautiful new computer. i even just bought a wii fit! it doesn't seem to matter.
my biggest fear is that i will get pregnant again and i will keep all the weight on from that pregnancy too. we are actively trying right now for baby #2. i could be pregnant this very moment, but it's too soon to tell. i want to do better for my children. i want to do better for myself.
so, as of today, i am choosing to write a blog. a blog about me. my feelings, my weight, anything. i am choosing to start with the weight. i just went to see "julie & julia" last night with my mom and sister, and i was a bit inspired. (hence the blog.) i want to set some goals for myself, and i want to do it on here. they are going to be small goals to start, but that's ok.
GOALS:
1) no mcdonald's until the end of september
2) i will "do" 2 miles everyday until the end of september, either elliptical or outside in our subdivision
that's it! my simple goals. only 2 to start with, but i think they will be a good start, a start i'm comfortable with. secretly i find myself hoping that lots of people will follow this blog. i am also hoping that i am invisible. that is me: a mixed bag of crazy. nonetheless, here i go.
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